Good day everyone, thank you for joining us on another episode of the counsellor. I am your host once again, Olabisi Obayomi. Here with me this evening is Mr. Adegboyega Adedeji. We are going to be discussing today's topic together. Before I introduce him, I am going to be saying something little about the topic before us today. It is very interesting, it is sensitive. It is one topic that people show bias towards one way or the other. It is about The Spirituality of Sex in Marriage. I am sure someone is excited right now, you want to hear so many things about this topic.
Several times people have said so many things about sex, and many people feel sex is more physical, others think it is more emotional and there are people as well who believes it is more spiritual. That is why we are having Mr. Adegboyega Adedeji this day to talk to us more about why sex is more spiritual in marriage.
Mrs. Obayomi: You are welcome Sir.
Mr. Adegboyega: Thank you for having me.
Mrs. Obayomi: Thank you for coming, we are so delighted to have you.
Mr. Adegboyega: It is my pleasure!
Mrs. Obayomi: Alright. So, Why is sex Spiritual?
Mr. Adegboyega: Alright, although I would have love to first look at what sex is before we start considering why it is spiritual, nevertheless, it is good we kick start the journey, the experience. Now is sex is a word that is relevant only in marriage, and I believe that is why we are considering the spirituality of in marriage. Now, God created man and woman and then initially, He created the man and then He created the woman, and then brought the woman to the man. And the reason for the whole thing is for the man to have a company. God said in Genesis 2:8 that it is not good for a man to be alone, He said He will make for him a help suitable and comparable for him. And then God brought the woman, and the man said this is the bone of my bones and the flesh of my flesh, she shall be called woman. So, God brought the two together to be in a company of themselves and God said. It is because of what God sais that I believe that sex is spiritual and also important in marriage.
There are two things that God said at two separate interval. At the first interval God said "Be fruitful, multiply, this is in Genesis chapter one, after He made them, male and female He made them. He said be fruitful, multiply, replenish the earth and subdue it. Now at the time He was giving them this blessing, the two of them had not began to live together. But that was the intention of God, that they be fruitful and multiply. And then later in Genesis 2, after the man had seen and recognised the woman; and have accepted her and bring her into his life, God now said "For this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." It is because of the intention of God that two individuals become one, that sex; and because of the essence of fruitfulness that sex becomes critical in marriage – for bonding, for oneness and for productivity.
Mrs. Obayomi: Thank you very much sir. I like that key word; "Bonding and Oneness." What would we say oneness is in marriage?
Mr. Adegboyega: Now we know, for instance that man was made by God when the woman was not around. And later, the woman was made in a separate place and then brought to the man. So, the man saw his wife, he recognised her and accepted her. Now even though he has accepted her, the woman is still a personality that is different from him, that came from a different background different from him. So they have now come together in marriage for the purpose of God, which involves subduing the earth. Because we must consider the word 'subdue' in marriage, it is very key. The essence of fruitfulness, multiplication and replenishing the earth is for subduing. Now if they refuse to fulfill the other components, they may find it difficult to subdue.
So, when a marriage is considered by God as a fruitful marriage, it is not because they have had male or children and female children, it is because they have successfully transit to the point of subduing. Now for them to get to that point, since God has that purpose for them; as a whole, even though they are coming from different background, they must come to one point, one mind, one goal, one vision; and these things does not happen overnight. That is why God said a man must leave his father's house and be joined to his wife. Now, when we stop with that, we could think these things will be automatic, it does not just happen. The fact that a man and a woman have married so to say on paper, and they now reside together inside the same building does not make them one, they have joined, but have they become one? They are known to the people as couple or married people, but are they one?
The process of becoming one is what God has packaged in what we call sex. It is one of the critical or if we may say, the most critical component towards the oneness of marriage. And the experience of sex is what draws the couples, the two individuals towards the oneness over time. It is not a one night out that makes a man and a woman to become one completely, it must be a consistent thing. It is like fellowshipping, or a communion so to say. It is something that must be done on a consistent basis. Although sex is something that is done in the body, but it is an exercise that is spiritual, that engages and connects you in the spirit together towards having the same mind, and it takes time.
Listen to Podcast: The Spirituality of Sex in Marriage
Mrs. Obayomi: So, this is obviously why sex is different in marriage, unlike people that just have sex with people just like that, it has to do with oneness. So, in Genesis Chapter 4, the Bible talks about the fact that Adam knew his wife. Can you explain more what that word 'Knew' means?
Mr. Adegboyega: You know, many people have this impression and I don't know if you do too, that sex is a product of the fall. From what I began with, I do not think so. Now God said be fruitful, multiply, replenish the earth and then subdue it. The same way He blessed the animals He blessed the man, but He gave the word 'Subdue' to man. Animals should be fruitful, they should multiply and then replenish. But He told the man to subdue, right? And that subdue is what makes the man different from the animals in the blessings of God. Now, in Genesis 4:1, the Bible says: "Now Adam knew Eve his wife, and she conceived and bore….." Premised to this, in Genesis 2:25, the Bible says the man and his were both naked and were not ashamed.
Now this is the process of their oneness. There was a time when they were naked, and there was a time when they were not ashamed. And then they went to the point of, if I may call it; complete revelation. It is like a process. And I believe very strongly that anyone that is intending to get married must follow through this process. There is a process where you join your husband or your wife, there is a process when both of you become naked, and there is a process where both of you are not ashamed. If there is shame in the nakedness, you won't translate into revelation. I want to call sex, revelation.
Mrs. Obayomi: So, aside from knowing, there is revelation?
Mr. Adegboyega: No, you see; there are many eyes that look, but only few see. It is one thing to look at a woman, it is another thing to see. It is another thing to say now I know you more than I used to know you. One thing the devil is doing now, is somebody could say are there not people struggling in marriage, who perhaps have sex on a daily basis? Then check the spirituality and the sincerity. The Bible says in the book of John that God is Spirit and those who do that must worship Him in spirit and in truth. If it is automatic to worship God in Spirit and in truth, then the Bible would not say that. It is because some people could want to worship God in the flesh. Even though you engage your flesh to worship, it is a spiritual exercise. It does not build up your flesh, it builds up your spirit.
Even though you engage your body in sex, it is a spiritual exercise, that has nothing really for the flesh, the way it has on the spirit. The impact it has on your spirit is more than the one it has on your flesh. Now, taking us to that process that many people get married, and the husband and the wife have sex regularly and yet they struggle, then you must ask: Are they having sex, sincerely in spirit and in truth? Is the man opened to his wife? Is the wife opened to her husband? Are they really naked and not ashamed?
Mrs. Obayomi: Okay, because I was going to ask now that how do you really have sex sincerely spiritually?
Mr. Adegboyega: Now, do you know it is possible ma, that it is possible for somebody to be having sex and still be imagining another woman, another man? So, a man who tells himself like, I am having sex with my wife, but when he wants to be honest, those sisters that he sees around are the ones he is imagining, and he is having sex with a woman. How can she, can two work together except they agree? So, until the man comes to a point that he is completely focused on the woman, he cannot claim to be sincerely in a sexual relationship with her. They can go through it. That is why sometimes ma, many people get married, they have sex and they are not fulfilled, because either of the party is not putting all into it.
Mrs. Obayomi: Okay. Sir, I don't know if you wouldn't Sir. Can you explain how you put your more into it?
Mr. Adegboyega: Now, you must, among other things; never assume that there is something else somewhere else. You lose it here, you lose it everywhere. Now, you don't get what you want now, you don't get it elsewhere. Our problem in marriage comes when we fail to deliver in sex or in sexual experience with our partners, only to compensate that with something else outside the sexual experience. That is where problem comes. This sex that we are talking about is a responsibility, but it comes with a reward. Now, some people, because the way the reward is, is a motivating factor, abandon the sexual experience with their spouses for something that will give them quick satisfaction. Because the reward includes satisfaction, if you think you can be satisfied elsewhere, you will not be able to give it all that it takes now.
The Bible says for every labour there is profit. So, you don't want to labour, but you want profit. So as a man or woman, you couldn't commit yourself to the exercise and so you complain all the time. So, this can create a problem in the sexual experience. But if you really have it in sincerity and with all spirituality, two of you will be together indeed and you will be one in your mind and aspirations.
Mrs. Obayomi: Thank you so much sir. So, it is in the point when people want to look for reward elsewhere and not be committed to taking responsibility, that is when you miss the oneness in marriage.
Mr. Adegboyega: Yes
Mrs. Obayomi: While you were speaking, what was coming into my mind is why would someone not want to be responsible to something that is so important in marriage that would cause oneness and help solidify the institution?
Mr. Adegboyega: The answer is simple ma. Now, we come into experiences seeking our own. When someone for instance tells you, do something for me; the first thing you want to ask is: What is in it for me? Now many people get married not understanding the selflessness of marriage. They still believe it is about me. In fact, some would even say God created you for me. They don't see them for the person, it is the person for themselves. So, when they are engaging in a sexual experience with the man or the woman, they are not seen it from the point of view of the other person, it is for themselves. And perhaps you have what you need before she has it or he has it, and you say 'wow', that is okay.
You are no longer interested in following through because you have gotten your own. And so, can you see selfishness? And you cannot be selfish and the other person selfless and you still claim you are one. It is already not one.
Mrs. Obayomi: Okay sir. So, if I want to understand what you are saying; in my own language, it is deriving satisfaction for the man and the woman. Not like the husband would be satisfied and the wife will not be satisfied or leaving your wife wanting in quote?
Mr. Adegboyega: Yes.
Mrs. Obayomi: It has to be total satisfaction kind of..
Mr. Adegboyega: Imagine it. Assuming a woman gets satisfied before the man, and she says.. "that's okay." And at another occasion, she says the same thing. Do you think the man would trust her?
Mrs. Obayomi: At all!
Mr. Adegboyega: Now if the man cannot trust, would he love? Now the instruction God gave to man is love your wife. Wives, submit. Now a woman who does not want to submit to perhaps an exercise that would give satisfaction to the man and make him to be committed because we must get this. Even though, satisfaction that we are talking about can be gotten in sex, as I said, can be gotten elsewhere. Why should I abandon that and stick with this if I am not trusting the experience? So, if I must commit myself to this process, I must also see that my partner is committed to it as well. He must not be cheating me, I must not be cheating her.
You see this sex thing we are talking about is a means created by God to bring husband and wife to the place of openness, transparency, trust and perhaps; vulnerability and reliance. You depend on her, she depends on you. So, if there is a problem with the stands, if we use a tripod stand for example; if there is a problem with one of the stands of sex, there will be problem with the whole effectiveness of sex, and if the sex experience isn't effective, then you have given room to the devil. There is a place I want you to note in the Bible. Apostle Paul in 1 Corinthians was admonishing the people, men and women; married people. It says if you want to engage in fast, it is good, but let it be from a mutual consent of the husband and wife. Now, it says as soon as you are through with the fast, quickly come back together.
Now, if it is not important, why did he use the word "quickly"? Now the point is this: Your spirituality is as seen to the degree of the sanity of your sexual life in marriage. What is the problem of the men and women of God in ministry today? Why do we have ministries crumbling on the platter of sexual scandals if their marriages are okay? So, Apostle Paul said quickly come together, because this is a critical matter. You cannot afford to miss it. Once the devil finds out this is a loophole, he takes advantage of it. So, a man who does not handle his sexual life very well may drift away from spirituality. Sex outside marriage will take you away from God while sex in marriage takes you towards God.
Mrs. Obayomi: Awesome!
Mr. Adegboyega: Thank you ma.
Mrs. Obayomi: Thank you so much sir. There is something very important that you have said previously that I want to go back to really. And it is about satisfaction. Other people deriving satisfaction. I want us to talk about other means that people derive satisfaction. You know, what came to my mind in sincerity is about people who watch porn videos or use other things apart from their partners. I just feel that there is more to it. It might not necessarily be satisfaction for sex, it might be looking to something else or doing something else that will make your mind shift from sex.
Mr. Adegboyega: I will give you an example.
Mrs. Obayomi: Thank you.
Mr. Adegboyega: Do you know somebody can use religious activities to replace the sexual life in marriage.
Mrs. Obayomi: Thank you. That is what I am talking about. There is something more to it.
Mr. Adegboyega: That is number one!
Mr. Adegboyega: Some people can use sports. Now, because when you are watching any sport for instance, I am just using football as an instance. You don't just watch with your body. You watch with your whole being, and that is why people should be very careful of it as well because it is a spiritual experience. Now you give your affection to a particular sport or club or team, and you give them all your attention because you have given them your affection and time. And time is also part of your investment in marriage. Among other things, sex is also a moment together, a time together. Husband and wife spending time together.
Now a man or a woman who replaces the responsibility of sex in marriage for a prayer meeting, and then do you know, apart from that; the one that you mentioned is never small a matter. If you look at what is going on across the world, people are abandoning their responsibilities as husbands and wife as it regards sex in marriage, and they are taking on something else. Take for instance, a man had sex with his wife trying to have fun. And when the wife realises that he was high, she demands for certain things. And the man begin to wonder why it has to be every time that they have sex that the wife request for things. So, he decided to resort into masturbation and other things in order to get satisfaction, since that exercise would not cost him anything. So, the man is missing in his responsibility of providing for his home, getting satisfaction somewhere else. One is less demanding, the other one is too demanding.
So, he choose the less demanding one and abandon the other. And as he is doing that, he is drifting away in spirit and in soul from his wife.
Mrs. Obayomi: Thank you so much sir.
Mr. Adegboyega: Thank you.
Mrs. Obayomi: I am sure people are getting blessed. But very quickly before we wrap up on the program for today. I would want you to give us some little tips that would help deepen our spiritual relations with our spouses because you mentioned something about the fact that one can be vulnerable in sex, because really, for you to be naked in front of someone is vulnerability. so, can you give us some tips; probably a little "I Love you during sex" can go a long way. Some things that could help really.
Mr. Adegboyega: I was almost going to ask you to give us the tips….Hallelujah! Now lest the questionnaire becomes the questioned, I will calm down. Alright, now, you said a little I love you…you have actually began to give us the tips really. Among other things, I would advise. If we can settle that, it can settle a lot. Let your mind be there. If your mind won't be there, don't launch it. It is very important. A man may have been married for years, and his mind won't be there. Now the problem is even more pronounced for men and women that have engaged in sexual relationships before they got married. Now they are having sexual intercourse with their wife or husband, but they are imagining that guy or imagining that lady. It becomes more pronounced.
Now, a man who had admired other women before, he didn't have sexual intercourse with them, but imagined it. Now such men too would struggle. You want to have a sexual experience with your wife, take your mind off it. Give her the time, give him the time. It is time to be with him. And you know, the more you learn to spare all and give him, spare all give her, the more you can't explain it, you are more drawn towards her or him. Why is it easy for a man to be transferred away from their families and they find it so comfortable? Check it! This thing didn't begin from the time the transfer came, it has been.
And go and check that man, is he really with one mind with her wherever he is? How easy is it for people to be separated from their partners? Are these separations not evidences of chronic separation that takes place in marriage before they were physically separated by transfer? I am not even talking about divorce now. Why is it easy for a man to be far away in Canada or London and the wife is here in Nigeria with the children and he is not even worried? Is he really missing the satisfaction or is he replacing it with something else? How can he then claim to be loyal to his family, how can he claim to be one with his wife? That is why they begin like that, and they end up in divorce. So, they have divorced long time ago. What people see is just the aftermath of something that has been buried and covered up over time in their house, which is then exposed.
That is why it is always difficult to stop people who are trying to divorce from divorcing because the divorce is coming as a result of something that has been covered for a long time. If you could not stop or affect the past, they will claim you should not affect the present. So, those who are struggling maritally and are not committed to their sexual exercises, who are not having one mind in it, are just pilling up a kind of a time bomb that would explode at such a time in the future. Now one of the things that I have also observed is that, when husbands and wives commit themselves wholeheartedly with one mind to the sexual life, I have realised that the husband would love his wife more, and then the wife would submit more.
We have issues with love and submission today because people are not sincere with themselves, especially couples; on the marital bed. Don't forget the Bible says marriage is honourable in all and the bed, undefiled. Now, when we thing about that Scripture, we think about fornication and adultery, especially; adultery.
Now, you are committing adultery when you sleep with another person's wife or husband. But you are committing "Indultery" when you are supposedly having sexual intercourse with your wife or husband, but your mind is somewhere else. So, when these things pile up over a long time, the marital bed is defiled. And then there is no oneness, there is no true love and there is no sincere submission. Eye service submission, eye service then becomes the other of the day.
Mrs. Obayomi: Wow! So, it all boils down to the mind.
Mr. Adegboyega: Yes, be in one mind. Don't just do it. If you are not in the mood for it, you are not ready to give all that it demands and takes, you can ask for another time.
Mrs. Obayomi: Yes! Exactly because that also comes to me talking to the women also to add to this. Women also need to do it with all of their mind. It is not the time to start thinking of the things you need to do or buy, house you want to clean and everything you want to wash. Once it is time to have sex, let us do it with all of our minds. It is very important.
Thank you so much Sir. I believe we have really been blessed with all that we have gotten today. It all boils down to the mind, let you mind be there when having sex with your spouse. We have learnt so many things. We have learnt about oneness, about bondness, about revelation, about knowing your spouse.
We are really grateful sir. Thank you so much. We expect to see you some other time so that you can shed more light to so many questions that people would have. Thank you sir.
And I will love to implore us, those of us at home, if you have any question, please send them in and by God's grace, the wisdom of God is there to help us solve whatever it is pr challenge that you might be going through. Just do well to send us your questions, God bless you.
I am your host once again, Olabisi Obayomi, till I come your way again some other time when we would be discussing something more important and I am hoping that Mr. Adegboyega Adedeji would be available to also talk to us and continue this series that we have started.
Mr. Adegboyega: No problem.
Mrs. Obayomi: Thank you very much sir. It's really a privilege to have you come.
Stay blessed and God bless you.
